The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
