someone threw a dead crab at me
im six kinds of drunk right now
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
