I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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