remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
