Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
