I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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