I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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