why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
