If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When did angry sex become our thing?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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