How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
