I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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