I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
