i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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