I wish I only lived at night.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
