in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I need moral support for this bender
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
