The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for not boning my boss.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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