My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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