I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
