How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
