When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
