My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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