i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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