would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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