My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
