When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
