he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize