I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
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Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
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I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?