I will die if light touches me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
