summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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