I can text with my tongue
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
