Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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