Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
