I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
