Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
