I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
