I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
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He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
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It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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