Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
