There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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