FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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