Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
