one two three fourrrrnication!
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
