i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
