haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
