I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize