he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
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I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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