I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
