I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
where are you?
Hypothermia
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
