My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
