if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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