Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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