When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
