Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
