dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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