can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
