Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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