every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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