I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
